WB Rants: Commercials
WB Rants: Commercials
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*we see a monster who looks and sounds like John Belushi, he is flipping through television channels and looking for programs to watch when he is inspired to do some rants on commercials, he turns to the viewers*
Werebelushi:
Hello and welcome to another Werebelushi rant-tacular, since I'm in the media room watching television I am going to be talking about commercials. There are lot of infamous ones that make you wonder what the hell those people were on when they made them and i'm going to be talking about these kinds of commercials. First up, talking food ads...basically these type of ads are about living, talking food that gets eaten (either by coaxing someone into doing it or they're eaten anyway) and doesn't mind it. And some of these commercials feature elements of cannibalism.
The first and most infamous to me is the Chips Ahoy ones with the sentient cookies, usually the one that comes to mind is the cookies in the car singing Don't You Want Me by The Human League only for each of them to get eaten one by one. And then there's the one with the chocolate chip cookie coaxing a pretty woman into eating him. Okay....how are the damn cookies so happy with people eating them? This is the opposite of Sausage Party.
Then there's the McDonalds '5 a day' commercial. In case you're wondering, McDs has been on a health kick a lot recently with promoting healthy Happy Meals and the whole 5 A Day program. Basically this one commercial I saw features two sentient carrots and the narrator/announcer is telling us about how carrot sticks count as part of 'five a day' and we suddenly get...one of the two carrots fantasizing about the other one being eaten.
Woah, woah...woah...cannibalism alert. Cannibalism alert. He fantasizes about the other carrot being eaten. Don't get me wrong, I have a lot of wild fantasies including Angela Anaconda-esque revenge fantasies...but I wouldn't fantasize about someone being eaten regardless of how I feel about them. *he then sees the Kellogs fruit winders commercial* Okay...what the fuck is with the announcer in this ad? He sounds like he's trying to out-Joker Mark Hamill in terms of craziness. Seriously, whoever wrote the script for this particular commercial set is either a complete nutcase or they seem to really like chewing the scenery a lot.
I mean just listen to him once he hits the high-notes, he sounds demented. Speaking of demented...the fruit characters pretty much beat each-other up and kill each-other...wait....so these commercials are telling us we are eating essentially corpses of these fruits, fruit corpses...fruit corpses? That is messed up. And then there's the Frubes commercial where the slogan is 'rip their heads off and suck their guts out'. Who approved of that slogan? I would like to have a word with them.
*the Pombears commercial comes up* So...get this, these little sentient crisps in the shape of teddy bears are singing about how much they like the idea of being eaten. Yeah, this is definitely the opposite of Sausage Party! Next up we have a series of commercials featuring two middle-aged women spying on their neighbors. No, this isn't a news story, this is an actual commercial set. Basically these two women are spying on their neighbors...why? Because their neighbors are having something for dinner they desperately crave, and that is Aunt Bessie's. Now what is Aunt Bessie's you ask? Basically it is a line of frozen food products that come from the UK that consists of potato products, ready made meals, Yorkshire puddings, meal accompaniments, vegetables and desserts.
Oh well, as long as the neighbors aren't killers like those damn Klopeks. Seriously I will never let that go, those damn Klopeks were insane. Or like that one weird neighbor I had...oh, I never told you that story? Well. Allow me to tell it to you. There was this one neighbor me and my roommates had and he was a really weird guy, a real secretive type..but everytime we saw him he was in his workshop in his basement working on something, nobody knows what he was building...but me and my roommates often asked...'What is he building in there?'. Just what was he building in there? We would visit him on a regular basis, what we got when we looked inside was shocking.
He had subscriptions to all kinds of weird magazines, he never said anything and he didn't even wave when he walked by other people....he was definitely hiding something from the rest of us. And he kept all to himself, I think I know. He had a tire swing hanging from a pepper tree but he took it down, he didn't have any children. He had no dog and he had no friends, and his lawn was dying. And what was up with those packages he kept sending? What was he building up in there? I tried to investigate this once, but I couldn't sleep at night, knowing how much the mystery of what was going down there was keeping me up and preventing me from reaching the land of slumber.
We found a hook-light on those stairs of his, but we still didn't know what he was building in there. What was he building? I'll tell you one thing...he wasn't building a playhouse for the children. We heard this sound from underneath the door, it sounded like he was pounding nails into a hardwood floor, and I swear to the almighty one I heard someone moaning low...as if someone had been captured. And there was this blue light of a television show as well, he had a router and a table saw. His name was Mr Stitcha, and you won't believe what he saw. There was poison underneath the sink of course, but there was also enough formaldehyde to choke a horse.
I heard he also had an ex-wife in someplace called Mayor's Income, Tennessee. And he had a consulting buisness. He had no friends but he got a lot of mail. I heard him up on the roof last night signaling with a flashlight, and what was with that strange tune he was whistling? The point is, we all wondered what he was building in there and we had a right to know.
But those two Aunt Bessie's women...they should really just ask the neighbors to invite them over or just buy some Aunt Bessie's products themselves. Next up, i'd like to introduce you to Doug Garth Williams. Who is he you ask? He is a director/producer of odd/bizzare commercials and some of his highlights include...a Christmas commercial where Santa removes his hat to reveal he's some kind of mutant alien with a head shaped like his hat and a third eye on a stalk and his head makes pulsing noises and he makes a sound that sounds the body snatchers in the Invasion Of The Body Snatchers remake, the infamous Little Babies ice cream ads with the being known as Malcolm and well...bunny aliens?
The insane thing about the Santa one is that there's a second one too. Where a little girl touches Santa's deformed head and the eye moves, reacting as if he is being attacked...the little girl enters a fighting stance and we get a freeze frame shot of Monster!Santa who frantically makes karate chop motions with his hands before vanishing. And then the little girl takes the eyeball from the stalk that was on his head and puts it on the tree. Okay, the first one was fucked up, and the second one...woah. So did the girl kill Santa?
Next up we have the DonEconomico commercial which features a vengeful anthro bird killing people as payback for what the people did to his family and his home. Oh, it's ANOTHER one of those environmental commercials/PSAs where humans are portrayed as bastards. But of course we're hear to talk about the Little Babies ice cream ads, yes...you heard me right earlier, that creepy demented creature you see in them has a name and his/her/their name is Malcolm, played by a model/actress who covered herself in marshmallow fluff and shaved herself for the part and there's a reeeeeeaally insane backstory about thsi character too that you just have to see to believe.
Oh and just when you think it can't get any weirder, we've got people with mouth eyes (Williams must have been a fan of Worth1000 or FreakingNews) and a man who looks like he's posing for a porno photoshoot who also pulls down his jeans and....ice cream spills out of his pants. But this next ad is the Mel wanted me to talk about it since it has equines. This commercial features a shot of two lovely women with long hair and it is set at a ranch, the farmer comes in and demands...'What are you doing here? Who are you and where are my horses?' the two women turn around...and they look like horses, no they don't supposedly look like one like Sarah Jessica Parker, they're actual horse-women and they turn to him and the sounds that come out of their mouths sound like a disturbing mixture of moans and faux whinnying noises and the farmer runs away as the horse girls look at him. Yeah i'd run from those crazy horse-girls too. I wonder what Oats would think of this ad. *he whistles and Oats the Ponyta comes over*
Oats:
Are we going to play and do something fun together today?
Werebelushi:
Well...how would you like to watch this commercial with me? It has horses in it, so you might like it.
Oats:
I'd love to. *he sits down and watches it with Werebelushi, Werebelushi comments on the commercial's weirdness*
Werebelushi:
So...what do you think?
Oats:
*he sees the two creepy horse-girls and whinnies in a frightened manner* Mommy! Mommy! I'm frightened. Those two equine-girls aren't lovely or pretty and they look like they want to hurt that poor farmer. I don't want them to get me, mommy. *he sobs, closing his eyes to block out the image*.
Werebelushi:
There there...it's alright Oats, think of something happy...think pink, pink is your favorite color...think happy pink thoughts.
Oats:
*he thinks of his favorite pink cakes and he whinnies happily, hugging Werebelushi in the process* I feel better, thank you. Thank you for reminding me to think pink when I am upset or scared. That commercial messed me up and I was afraid of the girls. *he is happy again as he claps his hooves*
Werebelushi:
Next up....we've got the Pepperami commercials, and from what I hear...it's a little bit of an animal. *the Pepperami commercials play* Oh that's great, ANOTHER angry character who thinks it's funny to be crude and in your face. This guy is or at least was voiced by Ade Edmonson....Vyvian from the Young Ones. And in all of the commercials he...well, screams and acts like a total nutcase. I don't hate this character or the commercials, it's just...daaaamn, some of these are messed up. Like the one where he shaves parts of his skin off like in that scene from Poltergeist and...he's a plush toy. Oh yeah, this was a promo for a plush of the character.
Now these three commercials were also requested by Mel and these are the Munchsters commercials. The first of these starts with a cartoon being played on a television which is viewed by this weird looking sock-puppet-alien-monster and his pet bread-dog, the bread-dog is desperately hungry for a snack but his owner won't let him have any, the dog whines and then latches onto the tv and his jaw widens and it looks like he is eating the tv. The brad-dog's owner can be heard moaning 'no no no no' as the commercial ends. And we hear this voice intone...'go mad for Munchsters'.
The second commercial features a futuristic setting and these two weird doggish-snake mutants licking a billboard featuring Munchsters snacks on it. Wow, those two are the weirdest Pokemon i've seen that aren't actual Pokemon. I'm guessing they're half poison type because they know the move Lick. The third commercial features a marriage between a weird black bottle creature in a top hat and a snack machine. Which is the least weird of the three. I know a talking dog who fell in love with a vacuum cleaner, so this is nothing new to me. And then there's this next commercial...a commercial set in a school, oh this is one of those old British schools or something where naughty kids get spanked.
So the teacher is about to spank the student when all of a sudden this weird muppet-thing appears on the student's rear and sings Do You Really Wanna Hurt Me. Who approved of this one? And it's for a kind of lolipop/sweet? And of course there are the transformation commercials, in particular the old Sugar Puffs commercials with the Honey Monster and also the Honeycomb Craver. Of course everyone remembers those I Can't Believe It's Not Butter commercials with the anthro bovines, those were made by the same company that did Spitting Image.
These are the best and most out there of the weird commercials...i'm sorry I couldn't do even more of these, but the ones i've mentioned were requested by Mel. I would like to thank Mel for requesting this to me and also Oats for his input. I would also like to thank all of you for watching.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
*we see a monster who looks and sounds like John Belushi, he is flipping through television channels and looking for programs to watch when he is inspired to do some rants on commercials, he turns to the viewers*
Werebelushi:
Hello and welcome to another Werebelushi rant-tacular, since I'm in the media room watching television I am going to be talking about commercials. There are lot of infamous ones that make you wonder what the hell those people were on when they made them and i'm going to be talking about these kinds of commercials. First up, talking food ads...basically these type of ads are about living, talking food that gets eaten (either by coaxing someone into doing it or they're eaten anyway) and doesn't mind it. And some of these commercials feature elements of cannibalism.
The first and most infamous to me is the Chips Ahoy ones with the sentient cookies, usually the one that comes to mind is the cookies in the car singing Don't You Want Me by The Human League only for each of them to get eaten one by one. And then there's the one with the chocolate chip cookie coaxing a pretty woman into eating him. Okay....how are the damn cookies so happy with people eating them? This is the opposite of Sausage Party.
Then there's the McDonalds '5 a day' commercial. In case you're wondering, McDs has been on a health kick a lot recently with promoting healthy Happy Meals and the whole 5 A Day program. Basically this one commercial I saw features two sentient carrots and the narrator/announcer is telling us about how carrot sticks count as part of 'five a day' and we suddenly get...one of the two carrots fantasizing about the other one being eaten.
Woah, woah...woah...cannibalism alert. Cannibalism alert. He fantasizes about the other carrot being eaten. Don't get me wrong, I have a lot of wild fantasies including Angela Anaconda-esque revenge fantasies...but I wouldn't fantasize about someone being eaten regardless of how I feel about them. *he then sees the Kellogs fruit winders commercial* Okay...what the fuck is with the announcer in this ad? He sounds like he's trying to out-Joker Mark Hamill in terms of craziness. Seriously, whoever wrote the script for this particular commercial set is either a complete nutcase or they seem to really like chewing the scenery a lot.
I mean just listen to him once he hits the high-notes, he sounds demented. Speaking of demented...the fruit characters pretty much beat each-other up and kill each-other...wait....so these commercials are telling us we are eating essentially corpses of these fruits, fruit corpses...fruit corpses? That is messed up. And then there's the Frubes commercial where the slogan is 'rip their heads off and suck their guts out'. Who approved of that slogan? I would like to have a word with them.
*the Pombears commercial comes up* So...get this, these little sentient crisps in the shape of teddy bears are singing about how much they like the idea of being eaten. Yeah, this is definitely the opposite of Sausage Party! Next up we have a series of commercials featuring two middle-aged women spying on their neighbors. No, this isn't a news story, this is an actual commercial set. Basically these two women are spying on their neighbors...why? Because their neighbors are having something for dinner they desperately crave, and that is Aunt Bessie's. Now what is Aunt Bessie's you ask? Basically it is a line of frozen food products that come from the UK that consists of potato products, ready made meals, Yorkshire puddings, meal accompaniments, vegetables and desserts.
Oh well, as long as the neighbors aren't killers like those damn Klopeks. Seriously I will never let that go, those damn Klopeks were insane. Or like that one weird neighbor I had...oh, I never told you that story? Well. Allow me to tell it to you. There was this one neighbor me and my roommates had and he was a really weird guy, a real secretive type..but everytime we saw him he was in his workshop in his basement working on something, nobody knows what he was building...but me and my roommates often asked...'What is he building in there?'. Just what was he building in there? We would visit him on a regular basis, what we got when we looked inside was shocking.
He had subscriptions to all kinds of weird magazines, he never said anything and he didn't even wave when he walked by other people....he was definitely hiding something from the rest of us. And he kept all to himself, I think I know. He had a tire swing hanging from a pepper tree but he took it down, he didn't have any children. He had no dog and he had no friends, and his lawn was dying. And what was up with those packages he kept sending? What was he building up in there? I tried to investigate this once, but I couldn't sleep at night, knowing how much the mystery of what was going down there was keeping me up and preventing me from reaching the land of slumber.
We found a hook-light on those stairs of his, but we still didn't know what he was building in there. What was he building? I'll tell you one thing...he wasn't building a playhouse for the children. We heard this sound from underneath the door, it sounded like he was pounding nails into a hardwood floor, and I swear to the almighty one I heard someone moaning low...as if someone had been captured. And there was this blue light of a television show as well, he had a router and a table saw. His name was Mr Stitcha, and you won't believe what he saw. There was poison underneath the sink of course, but there was also enough formaldehyde to choke a horse.
I heard he also had an ex-wife in someplace called Mayor's Income, Tennessee. And he had a consulting buisness. He had no friends but he got a lot of mail. I heard him up on the roof last night signaling with a flashlight, and what was with that strange tune he was whistling? The point is, we all wondered what he was building in there and we had a right to know.
But those two Aunt Bessie's women...they should really just ask the neighbors to invite them over or just buy some Aunt Bessie's products themselves. Next up, i'd like to introduce you to Doug Garth Williams. Who is he you ask? He is a director/producer of odd/bizzare commercials and some of his highlights include...a Christmas commercial where Santa removes his hat to reveal he's some kind of mutant alien with a head shaped like his hat and a third eye on a stalk and his head makes pulsing noises and he makes a sound that sounds the body snatchers in the Invasion Of The Body Snatchers remake, the infamous Little Babies ice cream ads with the being known as Malcolm and well...bunny aliens?
The insane thing about the Santa one is that there's a second one too. Where a little girl touches Santa's deformed head and the eye moves, reacting as if he is being attacked...the little girl enters a fighting stance and we get a freeze frame shot of Monster!Santa who frantically makes karate chop motions with his hands before vanishing. And then the little girl takes the eyeball from the stalk that was on his head and puts it on the tree. Okay, the first one was fucked up, and the second one...woah. So did the girl kill Santa?
Next up we have the DonEconomico commercial which features a vengeful anthro bird killing people as payback for what the people did to his family and his home. Oh, it's ANOTHER one of those environmental commercials/PSAs where humans are portrayed as bastards. But of course we're hear to talk about the Little Babies ice cream ads, yes...you heard me right earlier, that creepy demented creature you see in them has a name and his/her/their name is Malcolm, played by a model/actress who covered herself in marshmallow fluff and shaved herself for the part and there's a reeeeeeaally insane backstory about thsi character too that you just have to see to believe.
Oh and just when you think it can't get any weirder, we've got people with mouth eyes (Williams must have been a fan of Worth1000 or FreakingNews) and a man who looks like he's posing for a porno photoshoot who also pulls down his jeans and....ice cream spills out of his pants. But this next ad is the Mel wanted me to talk about it since it has equines. This commercial features a shot of two lovely women with long hair and it is set at a ranch, the farmer comes in and demands...'What are you doing here? Who are you and where are my horses?' the two women turn around...and they look like horses, no they don't supposedly look like one like Sarah Jessica Parker, they're actual horse-women and they turn to him and the sounds that come out of their mouths sound like a disturbing mixture of moans and faux whinnying noises and the farmer runs away as the horse girls look at him. Yeah i'd run from those crazy horse-girls too. I wonder what Oats would think of this ad. *he whistles and Oats the Ponyta comes over*
Oats:
Are we going to play and do something fun together today?
Werebelushi:
Well...how would you like to watch this commercial with me? It has horses in it, so you might like it.
Oats:
I'd love to. *he sits down and watches it with Werebelushi, Werebelushi comments on the commercial's weirdness*
Werebelushi:
So...what do you think?
Oats:
*he sees the two creepy horse-girls and whinnies in a frightened manner* Mommy! Mommy! I'm frightened. Those two equine-girls aren't lovely or pretty and they look like they want to hurt that poor farmer. I don't want them to get me, mommy. *he sobs, closing his eyes to block out the image*.
Werebelushi:
There there...it's alright Oats, think of something happy...think pink, pink is your favorite color...think happy pink thoughts.
Oats:
*he thinks of his favorite pink cakes and he whinnies happily, hugging Werebelushi in the process* I feel better, thank you. Thank you for reminding me to think pink when I am upset or scared. That commercial messed me up and I was afraid of the girls. *he is happy again as he claps his hooves*
Werebelushi:
Next up....we've got the Pepperami commercials, and from what I hear...it's a little bit of an animal. *the Pepperami commercials play* Oh that's great, ANOTHER angry character who thinks it's funny to be crude and in your face. This guy is or at least was voiced by Ade Edmonson....Vyvian from the Young Ones. And in all of the commercials he...well, screams and acts like a total nutcase. I don't hate this character or the commercials, it's just...daaaamn, some of these are messed up. Like the one where he shaves parts of his skin off like in that scene from Poltergeist and...he's a plush toy. Oh yeah, this was a promo for a plush of the character.
Now these three commercials were also requested by Mel and these are the Munchsters commercials. The first of these starts with a cartoon being played on a television which is viewed by this weird looking sock-puppet-alien-monster and his pet bread-dog, the bread-dog is desperately hungry for a snack but his owner won't let him have any, the dog whines and then latches onto the tv and his jaw widens and it looks like he is eating the tv. The brad-dog's owner can be heard moaning 'no no no no' as the commercial ends. And we hear this voice intone...'go mad for Munchsters'.
The second commercial features a futuristic setting and these two weird doggish-snake mutants licking a billboard featuring Munchsters snacks on it. Wow, those two are the weirdest Pokemon i've seen that aren't actual Pokemon. I'm guessing they're half poison type because they know the move Lick. The third commercial features a marriage between a weird black bottle creature in a top hat and a snack machine. Which is the least weird of the three. I know a talking dog who fell in love with a vacuum cleaner, so this is nothing new to me. And then there's this next commercial...a commercial set in a school, oh this is one of those old British schools or something where naughty kids get spanked.
So the teacher is about to spank the student when all of a sudden this weird muppet-thing appears on the student's rear and sings Do You Really Wanna Hurt Me. Who approved of this one? And it's for a kind of lolipop/sweet? And of course there are the transformation commercials, in particular the old Sugar Puffs commercials with the Honey Monster and also the Honeycomb Craver. Of course everyone remembers those I Can't Believe It's Not Butter commercials with the anthro bovines, those were made by the same company that did Spitting Image.
These are the best and most out there of the weird commercials...i'm sorry I couldn't do even more of these, but the ones i've mentioned were requested by Mel. I would like to thank Mel for requesting this to me and also Oats for his input. I would also like to thank all of you for watching.
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