WB Rants: Weird Ads.

Werebelushi:

I already have talked about this before but...there are certain commercials I want to talk about with you people and some of these are infamous. The first of which are what I like to call talking food commercials in which the food in question actually wants you to eat it, I know this sounds a bit farfetched but...isn't that basically sort of cannibalism, like they want you to eat them? The food wants you to eat them. Take the Chips Ahoy adverts in which the sentient cookies are in the car singing along to Don't You Want Me Baby by The Human League only to get eaten off one by one. And there's another, oh it gets worse. Basically this one features a sentient cookie singing Da Ya Think I'm Sexy (a classic Rod Stewart song) only to get grabbed and eaten. Is the company behind this product trying to make us think that if cookies can talk to us and want us to eat them? Is this like Sausage Party where we're apparently gods to them? I know these came out before Sausage Party but still...it makes you think and it confuses me.

Yeah we have those Cadbury chocolate ads that we love so much like that oddly sexy bunny and that one with the animation done by Aardman. But at least those ones didn't have odd cannibalism undertones. And then there's Pepperami. This guy is voiced by Adrian Edmundson of The Young Ones and he is a living piece of salami with legs and arms who is one of those characters who pretty much is aggressive, loud-mouthed and crass. *sarcastically* Oh that's just great, ANOTHER one of those characters who sole gimmick is to annoy the hell out of you by acting like a hyperactive nutball, and one with anger issues and a tendency to injure himself too. Seriously this guy.

Let''s start with the commercial where he steps on a crisp, okay...he isn't injuring himself here but still, this guy is kind of a jerk. What did the crisp do to him? In the next commercial he pretty much dives into a pool of noodles and gets sliced up, so does he get turned on by this? He seems to enjoy this way too much. Then, we see another commercial in which he demonstrates how he keeps his good looks...by diving into a blender and being sliced up, oh and not to mention he skewers himself a couple of times in these ads too, and what makes this worse is the one with the children, yes this bastard managed to get children of his own, little mini-versions of him that have a tendency to hurt and eat each-other, so cannibalism runs in the family obviously as well as masochism. Also he takes his own skin off twice and one of them was a nightmare scene which borrows from the infamous mirror scene from Poultergeist. And there's a perfume based on this guy too...yes, because the smell of Pepperami is attractive to a woman ya know.

The Ribena ads are even worse about this. You know that lovely drink you had as a child? Well these commercials imply that they are made from the blood of poor innocent fruit. So if we're drinking the blood of fruit doesn't that make us 'vampires'? Since that means we're drinking the blood of another creature? Maybe i'm just overthinking it. And then there's the Froobs commercials..'rip their heads off and suck their guts out!'...so basically when we eat those, we're sucking the life out of an innocent piece of fruit like when Douce in Sausage Party drains the life out of the juicebox? Also yeesh. Can we talk about the Kelloggs Fruit Winders? Seriously, those living fruits in the commercials have a real addiction to causing each-other pain and it genuinely worries me. And good lord the narrator sounds psychotic in these, no offense to Lenny Henry who voices the narrator and also voices the Cheesy Pepperami character but he sounds like he takes great pleasure in seeing these poor fruits kill each-other.

And yes, the Pombears...on the surface this appears to be an innocent commercial for a line of crisps that look like edible teddies but then the song plays and these guys are singing about the joys of being eaten. What's with sentient food in commercials talking about how they want to get eaten? Also isn't a bit weird that these guys live in houses made from potato, you know the very thing these crisps are made from? Yeah we have gingerbread houses but nobody ever asks if it's horrifying for a person made of gingerbread lto live in a home that is made from the very same thing they're made of. The only thing you have to truly be afraid of when it comes to gingerbread men is one voiced by Gary Busey.

From creepy food commercials that make you think it's basically cannibalism or voric if the food item wants you to eat it and talks to you about it, to cereal commercials in which a mere craving for the cereal can turn you into a monster. I am of course talking about Honeycomb with its infamous commercials and 'ME WANT HONEYCOMB' and Sugar Puffs and the early commercials with the Honey Monster. I am glad both of which are getting some love in terms of transformation art and stories. But yikes...with the former, those Honeycomb Cravers look like demented hedgehogs, like if you combined Sonic and Taz from Looney Tunes into one ravenous little spikey menace that looks like it would belong in the same family as the Crites from Critters.

And the Honey Monster, his original design with that hunchback and googly eyes, talk about a walking nightmare. These early commercials always began with children either trying to get the cereal or thinking about and the jingle/music associated wth it would either play or be a part of it, the kids would call out...'I want my...' but then they would shout out...'HONEY!' and as this happens their voices get deeper and gruffer and we get a Hulk-Out sequence in which they burst out of their clothes and turn into the monster, or rather monsters since there is more than one of them. I can see why these were considered too scary for kids.

Also regarding certain food commercials, what is with the two women from the Aunt Bessie's commercials always spying on their neighbors? I'm sure those neighbors would be delighted to share their food with those two if those two asked nicely. And from food commercials, to the most obscene and creepy commercials ever. Allow me to introduce you to Doug Garth Williams, basically the David Lynch of commercials, you all probably have met that creepy ice-cream woman from the 'Little Babys' commercial, and have heard about the one about the man spilling ice cream out of his pants...yeah, eeew. Not even going near that. But what's stranger than that are his other commercials.

There is an environmental ad he did for an electric company, that starts off telling us about the company and about the logging industry only to go into straight up horror flick territory when this insane bird-woman (I think it's a woman, could be male though) jumps down and attacks them. Remember be kind to nature or nature will send an insane bird-person after you and the bird-person will peck the living hell out of you. Speaking of DGW, the next commercial is for the Two Horses salon. Now with a name like that you can expect something probably Western themed.

This commercial starts with a startled ranch-hand/horse-whisperer running into the barn and asking 'Who are you? What are you doing here and where are my horses?', we see two lovely young women who don't look half bad from the back. Hey there ladies, are you girls part of the commercial too, because I don't see anything wrong with you. Oh...what's that? The two women turn around and...they have anthropomorphic equine features and they look creepy. I'm not an expert on pretty ponies though so I am going to ask Oats what he thinks of this. Hey Oatsie!

Oats:

Yes.

Werebelushi:

You're an equine Pokemon, right? And you like pretty, right?

Oats:

Yep, I love pretty as you can tell by my pink tiara and tutu.

Werebelushi:

Tell me what do you think of this commercial and of these girls.

Oats:

*he watches the Two Horses commercial* Hmmm...I don't see any ponies in this ad, but I do see two pretty girls. I wonder if they like pink. Hey girls, i'm Oatsie...i'm a horse, wanna be my friends? *watches as the two girls turn around* Hey, wait a minute...you're both horse-peoples, you're anthro horses, both the horse-girls i've seen are pretty, you two aren't pretty, you're scary. Mommy, mommy...the scary horse-girls are going to haunt me in my nightmares, save me!

Werebelushi:

Don't you worry, i'll save you. The two horse-women make a series of pseudo-groaning-pseudo-whinnying noises and then they stare creepily at the horse-whisperer/horse-trainer as if they want to kill him. Yikes.

Oats:

I don't like them, they're scary...they're not pretty, they're not adorable, they're just horrifying.

Werebelushi:

Care to do a reaction with me?

Oats:

*he nods* Okay. *both of them rewatch the commercial* Wow, what a nice barn...I wonder if that nice horse-whisperer owns it, oh...he's looking for his horses. I don't see any horses here but I see two lovely girls who would I love to hug and play with...*as the two women turn around* Oh no...they're horse-women but they're not pretty, they're scary. Keep those creatures away from me, nooo....*he whinnies in a scared manner*

Werebelushi:

*reacting to the commercial* Hmm...I wonder if the ranch-hand/horse-whisperer is in this barn, ah there he is, he looks concerned. Don't worry bud, i'm sure they'll turn up. *he reacts to the two women* Well hello there ladies, would you two happen to know where the horses are? *reacting to them turning around* Eeeek. What the hell? Are they half-horse? They are? And listen to the whinnying noises they're trying to make, it sounds like they're in pain. Now they're looking at him like they want to kill him.

Oats:

That commercial wasn't nice. Those girls were scary and I don't want to be their friend they're scary evil horse-women, look at them...pure evil.

Werebelushi:

Next up is What's Under Santa's Hat...oh boy, a cute festive commercial to lighten things up, we see the big jolly man in red and white as the familar sleigh bells of Jingle Bells are heard, but what's this, he's taking his hat off and oh my god, he's an alien? Yes, apparently Santa in this is an alien, so he's a Remulakian like Beldar? Odd, he doesn't look like he comes from France. We see Santa has a pulsating alien-head with a giant eye-stalk on the top, so that's why he wears a hat? To hide his alien deformity? We hear this unearthly growling/hissing sound coming from him, that sounds like something straight out of a horror movie...forget the Xenomorphs and Face Huggers, it's alien Santa we should be afraid of.

Oh and there's more...there's a second half too, oh goody. In the second part we see a typical Christmas eve scenario but...what's this? We see a little girl going up to Alien!Santa, she should be running away from him. Alien!Santa doesn't seem to be doing there, he's just sitting there menacingly.

She pokes him, Santa's third-eye on the top of his head blinks open and stares at her, we get a staring contest followed by suddenly Alien!Santa attempting to fight her with martial arts only to get his ass kicked by her. We see the little guy putting up the third eye as a decoration on the tree. What exactly was Alien Santa doing there anyway? He wasn't going to consume her soul was he or take her away? Next up we have Munchsters. The first of these features a cartoon, aaaaaw...what a cute and hilariously violent short, the cartoon is being watched by a weird sock-puppet creature and his pet dog that looks like bread and they're eating a snack together.

Sock-Puppet Man keeps teasing Bread-Dog and Bread-Dog jumps up at the tv and looks like he's trying to eat it as SPM cries. Okay, the cartoon wasn't too bad but there's something off about this one. In the second commercial we see a futuristic setting and these two odd-creatures licking a billboard, and i'm going to say it...these two creatures obviously are protypes for Puro from Changed, I mean they're pretty much canine-like anyway and just like with Puro I can see a certain crazy phoenix-lady doing weird goo transformations based on these guys. And in the third one we see a marriage between a black creature and a vending machine and this one creature who is getting them married is singing a bad version of the wedding music you always hear and making armpit noises.

Lastly i'd like to talk about I Can't Believe It's Not Butter...first of all, love the anthro bovine characters seen in this. And also they were designed by the same company behind the puppets in the original Spitting Image, which is always a plus. I have nothing to say about this apart from how funny it is and how oddly seductive the cow-woman in the landromat one is. And that's the selection of commercials i'd like to share with you, some are messed up, some are almost Nightmare Fuel, some make you wonder what the goal was regarding the making of these ones,and some make you not want to try whatever the product they are trying to sell is.