Why Being A Bigmouth Sucks.

 The Price of Being A Bigmouth.

Wendie Malick TG.

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Every now and then you come across one particular person who you can’t understand why anyone likes, and in the DA-Verse that one person was Zane Thomarson. Zane was a bit of a prick who fancied himself as a bit of a critic and film expert, he claimed to be good at what he did but in actuality most of his reviews consisted of such gems as ‘Rapunzel and Elsa are both totally wooden and have no motivation. They’re Barbie dolls.’ ‘Yeah but Invincible sucks because they took a homophobic character in the comic and made him a joke in the show.’ ‘Allegories aren’t good enough, I want actual same-sex relationships in the same manner as Disney movies’. He thought that he was in the right but he was actually wrong, he was always wrong. Up in her hell-like dimension, Mistress Mel was spying on him and she saw that his arrogance and lack of total respect for the opinion of others made him a prime choice to be up for a lesson in transformation.

The black leather clad koala-girl chuckled to herself…’Ah yes, look at this fool. He’s such a blowhard he doesn’t even know he’s wrong. I just love asshole characters like this.’ ‘Oh, mistress..that’s not a character, he really does act like that.’ ‘What? Well then he’s even more deserving of punishment based on what i’ve heard about him.’ She then cast a dark magic spell and sent several of her minions out to distract Zane’s friends while she targeted Zane himself personally. Zane was in the middle of a rant…’you know, I can’t understand why anyone likes Frozen, that movie is overrated tripe.’ As he was about to continue ranting, a dark force prevented him from continuing as Mistress Mel herself materialized.

“Hello, Zane.”

“Am I having one of my weird dreams again?”

“Well it sure ain’t one of your lame video attempts or you’d be cosplaying as Yensid.”

“Hey! My videos aren’t lame…”

‘You did a mocking Youtube poop about Disney and claimed in the description that you love Disney, if you were a true fan you wouldn’t have made the video to begin with.’ ‘Hey, don’t you bring that up.’ ‘And also those videos of you spazzing out...are those supposed to be funny? Because I wasn’t laughing.’ ‘What? No..i’m trying out to be an actor.’ ‘You’re more likely to get a Golden Raspberry Award than an Oscar to me.’ ‘How dare you.’ ‘The name’s Mel, Mistress Mel...and I knew you were special when I saw you.’ ‘You’ve been watching me?’

“Why yes, I have.”

“But how?”

“I’m everywhere, and you should get used to it. Because i’m always going to be judging your every move. As a person you are terrible and as a reviewer your material is so stale and so rotten it’s practically already covered in mold.”

“My reviews are stale?”

“Yeah, the critic who hates everything trope is soooooo played out by now and soooo overused.”

“I don’t hate every single thing ever.”

Mistress Mel looked over at Zane who was arrogantly trying to defend himself, acting like he didn’t say things that offended everyone but the truth was, the only reason his friends even still hung around with him was because they hoped he’d move on from this behavior and better himself which he never did. ‘Yes you do Mr bigmouth. Guys like you don’t impress me, you act like you’re better than everyone else and you think you’re right but you’re always wrong. Name one opinion of yours someone actually agreed with. ‘Uhh…’ ‘Exactly. Now, it’s time.’

“Time for what?”

‘Time for me to judge you. Let’s see, this character of yours...oh no no, don’t get me wrong I love dickheaded characters who don’t even know they’re wrong but I don’t even know how much of this is an act and how much is real.’ ‘Hey…’ ‘Your delivery is way too whiny and pretentious and how is anyone going to sympathize with someone who whines this much? Look if you don’t like something, fine...don’t go telling others what they can and can’t watch.’ ‘My delivery is the problem?’ ‘Oh no, your everything is. I’d hate to say it but this act/character of yours is overdone. The difference between you and Bojack Horseman is that Bojack is sympathetic, you’re not.’

“Hey...that’s not exactly fair…”

‘I know you’re probably going to make a remark about this like saying how i’m a character who only exists to be a female power fantasy or accuse me of catering to the S&M crowd because of my outfit. I know everything you are going to do before you make your move. Face it, you deserve this. And another thing, ick...your lame Yensid cosplay videos have better production values than your actual review show.’

“What?”

“I’ve seen Full Moon productions that have better designs than your props.”

‘Look, those props were the best I could do.’ ‘You couldn’t even bother to get someone to get some better looking movie props? You’re truly the worst reviewer i’ve ever seen. And for someone who hates Channel Awesome so much you definitely rip off some of their members a lot. At least i’m original.’ ‘Are you saying my persona is unoriginal?’ ‘Oh you better believe it is, it needs fixing and so do you.’

“What? But i’m fine the way I am..”

Mistress Mel chuckled, before casting a spell on him that caused him to get a series of strange sensations all over his body...this sensation felt like he was being painted by an invisible artist as his skin slowly lost imperfections and smoothened, he examined his hands as they shrunk down in size and his fingernails lengthened. His unkemptness seemed to be fading as his chest and torso slimmed, a couple of round formations developing on the former, developing outwards into what was commonly known as breasts. ‘Hey..is this some kind of trick?’ ‘No tricks here, dear boy.’ He gasped as he examined his body.

“I can’t believe this is happening.”

“I at least find it more believable than your review of Land Before Time. Seriously, half of that review is you nitpicking about how the dinosaurs didn’t have feathers.”

“What? I think people should know about how dinosaurs actually looked.”

‘It’s a movie. It’s just an animated movie, it’s not a documentary. I wouldn’t be surprised if you said the same about Jurassic Park.’ ‘But I actually like Jurassic Park.’ ‘So you like JP but you dislike Land Before Time?’ ‘Well I wouldn’t say dislike.’ He shuddered as his hips flared out and his privates retracted, he let out a slight yelp as his legs lengthened and his feet shrank down in size.

His height shot up from 5’6 to 5’10 as his back arched and his shoulders shrank inward, his hair slowly turning from its ratty auburnish color to brown as it lengthened, in the process his eyebrows thinned and his eyes widened while his neck lengthened. Eyelashes blossoming around them as his nose perked up, becoming feminine as his teeth brightened and his lips plumped up. His features slowly contorted and morphed themselves, becoming less like his own and more like those of an actress who had a mature look to her appearance, that actress’s name sprung into his mind as soon as he saw the picture of Eda from the Owl House and as soon as a video from Hot In Cleveland popped up on Youtube. ‘I’m becoming Wendie Mallick?’ ‘Why yes, you are. Specifically you are a were-version of her.’ ‘Which means?’ ‘Whenever you act callous or catty towards anyone you are going to end up becoming her.’ ‘What?’ ‘Yes, and there is no cure, you are going to be stuck with this curse for the rest of your life.’

“You cannot do this to me, this isn’t fair.”

“Neither was your review of my favorite comedy ever...Oscar starring Sly Stallone.”

“That review?” ‘You said the movie’s humor was terrible and you didn’t get any of the jokes and you thought that Sly isn’t a good actor at all, sweetie...it’s fine to have opinions but when you go bashing one of my heroes like that, yeah...that means you’re going to get your ass kicked.’ ‘Well i’m sorry, okay? I will do a new one and it will be better.’ ‘Too late..you should have considered doing that before I set my sights on you.’ ‘I mean it, i’m sorry for writing that. I’ll do anything.’ ‘I like a man who begs.’ He attempted to get her to forgive him but she was enjoying herself too much to even do so, she chuckled at him being so desperate. Seeing someone so arrogant and cocky break down in such a brilliant manner amused her.

“Don’t you get it? I like your pain, I like your suffering.”

“Why?”

‘It fuels me, it fascinates me. I may be a cruel mistress but i’m not so cruel as to not forgive someone, it’s just when a reviewer who comes across as arrogant as their persona is outside of their show that makes me feel oh so good. I love asshole characters, especially ones who don’t even know they’re wrong. Seeing them get their comeuppance pleases me oh so much.’ ‘Why? Are you sadistic?’ ‘No, I just think it’s funny seeing people like you get the Karmaic Punishment treatment.’

Zane screamed as he looked at himself and then he felt a dark presence enter his mind, that presence was Mistress Mel’s own as well as pieces of Wendi’s personality as his voice slowly contorted, feminizing and becoming the fiery and feisty voice of Wendie herself as within a couple of minutes later his usual arrogant self faded away into the proverbial shadows, only to be replaced with Wendie’s personality and new thoughts, as Zane was no more. In fact Wendie had taken over and the transformation reached finalization. ‘There we go. Now, see what being catty does to you?’ ‘I understand, and yes I know I made a mistake, many in fact.’

“That’s good.”

“I’ll fix that though.”

Wendie began to re-edit every single one of her former self’s negative reviews, making them better and less offensive. ‘And that’s not the only part of me that i’ll improve.’ ‘Good, while we’re at it, you might want to change that Yensid robe of yours into something more fashionable, lose it, you look like a couch.’ ‘You’re right...this look is tacky anyway.’ Wendie removed her Yensid robe and watched as it transformed into something more fitting of her, this outfit was a flashy looking pant-suit as the sneakers he had became boots.

“You learn well.”

“I learned from the best and I hope to be just as good as you, mistress.”

“With some lessons, you will.”

“Teach me...I’m all ears.”

And thus with that Mistress Mel commenced a series of lessons which she gave to Wendie, telling her how to be a good mistress like her and giving her magic powers just like the ones she had, with these powers Wendie could help deal with people who acted in a manner that was against Mistress Mel’s rules. She loved her marsupial mistress because not only was she an excellent teacher and mentor but she taught her many things, as for what happened later...Zane eventually found himself having to adjust to being more positive in his review shows due to the presence of Wendie who was always there to remind him not to be catty with his comments, and like the good mistress she was Wendie kept Zane under control and in order, making sure he didn’t insult anyone or go too far.

Remember, having different is opinions are all good and well but acting like you hate every single film or show in the world just because they did something to somewhat offend you isn’t how to behave about it, that’s how a Karen acts and if you don’t want to be a Karen, consider being less negative.