WB Vignettes: How Not To Do A Review.

Werebelushi:
Hello everyone and welcome to a special segment called How Not To Do A Review...tonight we'll be tackling how not to do a review of a fanfic.    The first thing you must know is that there's a difference between critiquing something and out-right bashing it to pieces,  critiques -  while they don't always have to be sugar-coated,  can be helpful and can teach the person in question to improve their work,    bashing on the other hand is just Complaining About Something You Obviously Don't Watch/Play or Know About.

Which leads to the first major problem of this piece...saying 'Oh god this fanfic sucks'  is NOT a critique,   it's more like acting douchey for the sake of acting douchey.   And also...shouldn't you at least know what game or movie you're talking about?   All you are saying is that you think you know how games like Skyrim work..when obviously you don't play them at all - you're just using that to call out the author.  Besides,  save THAT for fanfics like Dipper Goes To Taco Bell.

Also...your second mistake is pulling out the Gary Stu card.  I'm sorry,  but NOT all supernatural characters in fanfics are Gary Stus or Mary Sues,   because believe it or not..monsters do in fact have flaws and weaknesses.   Also...you're really calling out the author for having a character like that?   If it makes sense in the context of the movie or show the fanfic is based on -  then it does NOT qualify as a Gary Stu or Mary Sue at all.

The character in the aforementioned fanfic was a monster with several different personalities depending on the story in question.   And now here's why it becomes nothing but nitpicking...i'm sorry,  but why are you questioning why the female monster character is reacting to being called ugly by humans?    Like I said....those who are trying to question this,   please don't -   it's a light-hearted fantasy story not an Oscar winning masterpiece.  And honestly...wouldn't YOU be pissed off if someone called you ugly and you happened to be a monster?   Yes, and so would I!

Also...with the second review...uhhh...did you forget to do research or something?  In the other story you supposedly reviewed it mentions John Belushi's death and where exactly he died -  in Bungalow number 3 of the Chauteau Marmont hotel.  I'm sure someone could have at least told you that.   And also...yes,  this story takes place one year after his death.   As for the ghost haunting the hotel theory?   It could in fact actually be true.   Or maybe the Chateau Marmot is like the titular hotel in the Eagles's song Hotel California.

Our so called reviewer here just asks a bunch of dumb questions about the story and does nothing more than that.  I'm like...dude,  if you're going to be rambling on at least have a point or you'll look like a moron.    Since this is a classic horror movie set-up we have our two teenage protagonists trying to cause mayhem,  not knowing the place is in fact haunted..classic horror trope.

In the story after they look at the plaque,   it is then they realize what they're in for.  And of course the so called reviewer here makes a big deal out of this by making a bunch of lame jokes and nitpicks it to death.  Calm down,  dude - it's just a story.  And wow,  would you look at that?  It's one of my first ever appearances.   And i'm playing the Werebelushi himself,  and i'm portraying him as a supernatural version of Belushi himself.  It was my idea to play the role that way.   I have no dialogue in this scene except for a few grunts,  roars,  yells and snarls but i'm still extremely good at being menacing in that scene.

Also..you can really tell this user was obviously trolling because of how hard he tries to be like his former friend who was also doing the same thing.   Lay off the lame meme references, please.  I mean how would you like it if my reviews consisted of Happy Madison style crude humor and references to memes nobody finds hilarious anymore?  How would you like it if this review consisted of the following?  *facepalm*  Lulwhut?   Epic Fail.  Son I Am Disappoint...I AM A MAN! Big Lipped A CHUCK NOOOOOORRRRRISSSS Aligator Moment with a side order of Elephant and Milhouse is not a meme!   How would you like that,  huh?  It would be annoying,  right?

Exactly...so I don't go around making lame references to memes nobody gets or finds even remotely funny anymore.   Besides,  your references needed more cowbell.   Also...what does the Illuminati have to do with anything?  What does an organization that doesn't even exist have to do with anything?  Is this just you acting like a hypocrite and calling out other people for their beliefs?   Look,  dude...I don't care about your illuminati squid-spider-frog-person-superpowers or if you drink tiger blood like Charlie Sheen does,  I can tell that unlike him you're definitely NOT winning.

So we just get nothing out of this so called review other than this user is either trolling or just plain insane,  or possibly just one of those stereotypical conspiracy nutjobs who blames the illuminati for everything.  And that's about it...nothing but 'I can do better than this'  'this fanfic is crappy'  'it makes no sense'  and other complaints that shouldn't even be taken remotely seriously,  obviously said user has inferiority complex that they're hiding from everyone.

This isn't so much a 'review'  as it just complaining about something you don't know about or have even played or seen.   This is just bashing and that is that,  i'm sorry but this doesn't prove anything except you are complete tool.   At least when I do something like that in one of my rants it's my expressing my feelings towards how awful said movie or show actually is, or in the case of my soccermom and Russell Brand rants...it's me pointing out how stupid these people actually are.   And let's face it...Brand deserves to be called out for every single stupid thing he's done.

I'm sorry,   but just because you think my friend's work sucks doesn't mean I have to agree with you on everything especially since trolls don't know how real opinions work,  and they think that bashing and critiquing are the same thing.   You have to know how to respect other's opinions,  man.   Nobody is going to be agreeing with you if you keep making yourself look like a tool in front of everyone.    No amount of lame meme references,  Illuminati ramblings or hate speech is going to make you a critic at all,   in fact I would hardly call you a critic at all.

I'm not a professional by any means but I can tell you that what you are doing is wrong and you aren't a real critic at all,  you're just a troll and trolling and bashing are not the same as actually critiquing something.   And also I can tell you this - what your stupid friends were saying is complete bullshit.  Like Monstermaster13 himself,  I respect the opinions of others but still believe that criticism should at least be both positive and negative but not on the level of bashing.    But what makes them think that Monstermaster13 mistakes criticism for broad dislike?  If this is about that loser that did that stupid review on Tangled saying how he hated the movie...and how Rapunzel is a 'bimbo',  then  that person doesn't know how real criticism works -  yes,  he admitted to have seen the movie more than once but still...it still sounds way too harsh to be real criticism at all.

Even though I am primarily a parody of the whole old 'Ticked Off/Angry Reviewer'  trope in the vein of James Rowlf's  AVGN persona or the Nostalgia Critic,   I am more on the lines of 2TheRantingGryphon who is the inspiration of my show in general as well as Ben Tannehill aka BenTheLooney.   True,  the persona I use for my show is usually a very surly,  often angry and ticked off character  - there are times in which he's much calmer.   I know the show is called Werebelushi Rants but a guy like me can't be mad all the time.

It takes a certain something in order to get this werebelushi truly upset,  and in most cases it's either a bad remake (e.g the Arthur remake,  the Fright Night remake,  or Rob Zombie's Halloween),  a bad sequel (e.g Blues Brothers 2000),  topics such as politics,  religion,  bad reality shows,   bad tv shows,  and bad fanfiction (e.g Love At First Bite,   Dipper Goes To Taco Bell).   Or if you really want me to go all Anger from Pixar's Inside Out,  it has to be something or someone that pisses me off enough to make me do that,   like for example internet trolls, kids-trying-too-hard-to-be-edgy,   rude forum posts,  ignorant forum admins,   foreign extremist wannabes,  or if you REALLY want an explosive rampage of rage and fury,  there are five things -  I repeat...FIVE things,  guaranteed to make that happen.  

The first being soccermoms and their stupidity,  the second is overprotective parents,
the third is stupid Youtube comments,   the fourth is Illuminati/Conspiracy theorist crap that people on youtube believe is real,  and the fifth and worst offender of them all -  Russell Brand.   Just the mere mention of him doing something that leads to him getting his sorry ass handed to him on a plate is enough to drive me into a frenzy.   And i'm not so nice when i'm in a rage induced frenzy.

See?  That's the difference between me and the loser that obviously doesn't know what criticism is.    At least when I act all angry and like a sarcastic Jerkass,  i'm actually playing an exaggerated version of how I normally act.   If anything,  the Werebelushi In The Shades persona is more of a Jerk With A Heart Of Gold,  it's more of a case of Mean Character,  Nice Actor though.    And at least when I take on this role -  i'm playing a jerk who is actually likable and not a nutcase who is obsessed with the Illuminati.

Also...what kind of excuse is that?  What?  You're only nice when you're on drugs? You're only nice when you're high?  That's the stupidest excuse ever.   You're clearly failing at this critiquing business,  sir...I suggest you quit while you are ahead.   I can be nice,  I can be fair...i'm not always likely to have volcanic  rage induced freakouts,   I am very open and honest about things I like and don't like...and people like you...I DON'T like at all.   Nitpicking is one of my pet peeves,  dude...it's just a story,  it's not real.   As for the latter?  I believe you're the one who is throwing a bitchfit. That is NOT how to respond to proper criticism.   That is like how Derek Savage reacted to I Hate Everything's Cool Cat Saves The Kids review.

That is just you being a total diva.  That is just diva behavior and it makes you come across as a whiny douchebag,  i'm sorry but THAT kind of behavior is NOT how to respond to criticism at all -  I don't care what kind of bizarre upbringing you had to make you act that way,  you are making it worse -  for yourself by carrying on.   Oh...what's that?  You said that your critiques are better than mine and that I'm the one being a whiny douchebag?  I'm sorry...I couldn't hear you over the sound of your own pretentious whining and nitpicking.   Also..i'm sorry,   but your so called friend obviously was too dumb  to know what criticism is -  all of their work was the same and could be best summed up as follows: Bla bla bla once upon a time there was this loser that I hate for no reason bla bla bla and he was like a total troll and whatnot,  bla bla bla and one day he was doing something pathetic when bla bla bla bla all of a sudden some freaky monster thing that looked like the lovechild of Scar and the Iron Maiden mascot showed up and bla bla bla accused this person of something he didn't and then 'punished'  him by turning him and his friends into grotesque sex-toys,  bla bla bla the monster laughed at his misfortune and flew away,  bla bla bla pointless jab at the user in general -  followed by pointless meme reference bla bla bla the end.    That's basically all they were and they were awful.   That is NOT legit criticism,  that's just bad writing and hate speech in the form of a fanfic.    Can you imagine if an episode of my show started out like that?  I sure can't.  And do you know why?  Because it's fucking mean-spirited. I'm glad that both your friend and you are gone forever,   because I got tired of seeing you jerk off to that user's crappy fanfics.  Also...who the heck gets turned on by trolling?  Isn't that technically the same as masochism or sadism?

You are dangerously close to getting your whiny-ass handed to you by a 220lb Werebelushi,  pal -  I would recommend dropping the act and giving up all-together.   Oh...what's that? You're saying that it's not your fault that your critique didn't meet the original writer's expectations?    I'm sorry,   but since YOU wrote that critique -  it technically is YOUR fault and you should be feeling bad about what you did.    Also,  I would hardly call those hate-fics your friend did 'valid criticisms'  when it was really just bashing -  which is exactly what YOU are doing right now.   Also...the only person here with sycophantic tendencies here is you,  because obviously you're thinking way too hard about something

In conclusion...wow,  this 'critique'  of yours was fucking terrible and not in a So Bad It's Good way like Nothing But Trouble,  Stop Or My Mom Will Shoot,   or even direct-to-dvd sequels,  but more in an embarrassing way like Asylum films,  Disney Channel original movies and sitcoms,   post-movie era Spongebob,   most modern Happy Madison movies,  Seltzerberg,   Batman and Robin,   Blues Brothers 20000,  Freddy Got Fingered,  and those stupid Ancient Aliens documentaries.      Stop,  just stop.   We get it,  you're a pretentious prick who thinks they're better than everyone else...just shut up already.

I might as well be talking to a zombie because you're so devoid of intelligence it's like you're completely brainless.    And you call yourself a critic?  Ha.  I call you a loser,  a moron,  an imbecile,  a failtroll wannabe,  a douchebag and an abomination to mankind.  How do you even function in society knowing that you're a total failure?
If this has been too much TL;DR for your empty brainless head to take in,  i'm just going to tell you this in a language someone like you would understand.  *in a goofy dimwitted sounding voice* HURR HURR U DUN GOOFED!  *uses normal voice*  That's how much of a failure you are.  

What you just saw this person do is how NOT to do a review.   Remember,  don't be like this brainless idiot of a man right here,   be smart when it comes to critiques.  You don't have to sugarcoat it,  but pointing out the good and bad helps.   Acting like a hypocritical jerkass will not get you anywhere and will result in you making a total tool out of yourself.   Also,  if your only purpose for 'critiques'  like this is to force the author in general to take their work down for no reason other than 'this fanfic sucks',  then you are NOT a critic.  That is called harassment and also hate-speech.

Free speech does NOT mean you are free to say whatever the hell you want without consequences,  because there ARE consequences to that sort of thing and you still have to be really careful when it comes to the things you say.   Besides,  the way this user in general and his friends were talking wouldn't even be allowed IRL.    At least I can get away with it though because i'm a FICTIONAL character who puts on a mean persona when doing rants and such, but people like the loser I was talking about...nope.

I'm That Werebelushi In The Shades and this has been How Not To Do A Review aka How Not To Review A Fanfic, I hope this guide has both been helpful and amusing to you and if it hasn't, then...well...I respect your opinion and I do mean an ACTUAL opinion. However, if you're nitpicking, trolling or bashing - get out of here if you don't want me to kick your sorry ass from here to the 8th dimension.

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